Day 5: Journal Excerpts

THOUGHTS:

I´m so tired this morning. Yesterday with my group we spoke about Psychodrama vs. TO, cultural differences, safety, going in vs. coming out...
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Our morning group meeting-
To me, safety was a big issue that underscored the discussion. People spoke about imposing expectations on Boal unfairly and about our group dynmaics. I am really beginning to feel anxious about where this group is heading. All I said was that i was struggling with my role in the group and still adjusting to Rio.
I am completely frustrated with the lack of maturity i feel is causing these tantrums people are throwing...
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P and I had a talk to day. I feel torn between paths in my life. There is a future that involves a fight, and a future that involves compromise-and only one life.
Our country is about to experience something extraordinary and fear is rising to a brink. The world is changing - and we are more glued to the media than ever.

I feel like I have been on some kind of conveyor belt. But getting off means I will have to trust unsteady legs, and weak arms, and blurred eyes.

My ´cops´ are preetty profound. They are a SWAT team of highly trained fear-mongers. Some are propogandists and some are gurus. And very often they are in conflict over my will.

I havent felt the freedom to really choose to be in control. And that is because i havent wanted it.

But i want it right now.

A glimpe at my cops reveal my struggles with religion and spirituality, being considered a minority, never being good enough at anything for my mother, being the family oddball, etc. - all things that have led me to struggle with self-esteem, academic success and status, wanting to please... and at the same time i am influenced by other forces that govern my style, body image, work ethic, sexuality...
All of these at one point or another have caused me to re-examine myself. Sometimes the cops win, sometimes i win. But then again, who am I?


CLASS NOTES:
I left my journal today, but we did games first as usual, and then went into Cop-In-The-Head. I offered a story today, about Monday night's encounter with the young boys and what my reaction was. Boal felt that it wasn't an eligible story for Cop-In-The-Head (cith) work becasue I had already made a decision in the situation, and futhermore it wasn't ethical to hit children.
I think what I should have done was tell a different part of the story, or said more but I was mainly disappointed because there was an opportunity to talk about cultural and racial differences and issues in this c.i.t.h. and i would have liked to have seen where that went.

A's story was chosen and she spoke about her experience in a Brazilian club. The theme was universal i think, in that everyone in the group could picture her discomfort clearly and where her cops might have come from.
I don't think it would have been that easy in my case, becasue the violator was young and poor and sober and black. A did not describe the race of the man who was trying to kiss her but I wonder where things might have gone if she had.

The exercise ran over and we will have to continue tomorrow.